My Elf Girlfriend: Sex Talk

By

Emily Axford and Brian Murphy

          INT. ELVEN TREE HOME

          ELOWYN, an elven princess, talks to SOMEONE O.S. The camera
          slowly zooms in and music builds.

                              ELOWYN
                    I would rather spend one lifetime
                    with you than face all the ages of
                    this world alone.

          Music cuts out. REVEAL BRIAN, a modern twenty-something
          wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt and stupid tie. 

                              BRIAN
                    Love you too, babe.

          He pecks her on the cheek and tosses his messenger bag over
          his shoulder. The strap breaks immediately.

                              BRIAN
                    Crap.

                                                CUT TO: TITLECARD

          INT. BEDROOM

          Brian and Elowyn are in bed, kissing.

                              ELOWYN
                    Mmm, I think you're gonna like what
                    I have planned for you.

                              BRIAN
                         (playful)
                    Oh, yeah? And how would you know?

                              ELOWYN
                    Well, I do have 2000 years of
                    experience.

          Beat. He stops her.

                              BRIAN
                    What?

                              ELOWYN
                    I'm 2700 years old. I mean, I'm not
                    a slut. I waited until I was 700.

                              BRIAN
                         (horrified)
                    How many guys have you been with?

                              ELOWYN
                    I don't know, Brian, a couple a
                    year?

                              BRIAN
                    So four thousand! Four thousand
                    guys, Elowyn! I've had sex with
                    three people. Jenna Delveccio,
                    Katie Wagner, and you.

                              ELOWYN
                    Is that normal for a human?

                              BRIAN
                    It's less than average, thanks.

                              ELOWYN
                    It's not my fault! I'm immortal.
                    After a thousand years, you've
                    pretty much fucked everyone.

                              BRIAN
                    Jesus! So you've fucked all your
                    friends? Fenwen, Galodor, Achewon-

                              ELOWYN
                         (as he's saying their names)
                    Yes. Yes. Several times, yes.

                              BRIAN
                    He looks like a girl! All of them
                    look like girls!
                         (getting up)
                    I can't do this, now all I can
                    think about is you getting railed
                    by some elf dude for hours on end.

                              ELOWYN
                    Days. Railed for days. We
                    experience time differently.
                         (comforting him, sincere)
                    15 minutes is very good though.

                               BRIAN
                         (still grumpy)
                    I know. I've been cranking it
                    before we do it so I don't pre.

                              ELOWYN
                         (rubbing his back)
                    If it makes you feel any better,
                    you're my first human.

                              BRIAN
                         (coming around)
                    Really?

                              ELOWYN
                    I mean, I've been with half-elves,
                    which are basically just stronger,
                    better looking humans.

                              BRIAN
                         (rolling away, pissed)
                    Okay.

                              ELOWYN
                    Things are different now, OK!?
                    There are no more late nights at
                    the tavern, going home with the
                    first orc who buys me a meat pie.

                              BRIAN
                    Orcs, Elowyn? Orcs!?

                              ELOWYN
                    Everyone goes through a bad boy
                    phase in their 1200s!

                              BRIAN
                    They're literally born of evil!

                              ELOWYN
                    Actually, they're very selfless
                    lovers.
                         (seeing his reaction)
                    Sorry-

          She puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and launches into
          another speech (slow zoom, music).

                              ELOWYN
                    I have spent many of your lifetimes
                    searching for a worthy companion.
                    But my quest is over, Brian. My
                    journey ends with you.

          She puts her hand on his cheek. They kiss. Brian pulls back.

                              BRIAN
                         (good-natured)
                    I mean, it's not like you've ever
                    fucked a hobbit or anything, right?

          Elowyn looks down.

                              BRIAN
                    Come on! What'd you fuck him
                    between first and second breakfast?
                         (batting her away)
                    Don't touch me!

          END.