This isn't her first quest.
By Emily Axford and Brian Murphy
INT. ELVEN TREE HOME
ELOWYN, an elven princess, talks to SOMEONE O.S. The camera
slowly zooms in and music builds.
I would rather spend one lifetime
with you than face all the ages of
this world alone.
Music cuts out. REVEAL BRIAN, a modern twenty-something
wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt and stupid tie.
Love you too, babe.
He pecks her on the cheek and tosses his messenger bag over
his shoulder. The strap breaks immediately.
CUT TO: TITLECARD
Brian and Elowyn are in bed, kissing.
Mmm, I think you're gonna like what
I have planned for you.
Oh, yeah? And how would you know?
Well, I do have 2000 years of
Beat. He stops her.
I'm 2700 years old. I mean, I'm not
a slut. I waited until I was 700.
How many guys have you been with?
I don't know, Brian, a couple a
So four thousand! Four thousand
guys, Elowyn! I've had sex with
three people. Jenna Delveccio,
Katie Wagner, and you.
Is that normal for a human?
It's less than average, thanks.
It's not my fault! I'm immortal.
After a thousand years, you've
pretty much fucked everyone.
Jesus! So you've fucked all your
friends? Fenwen, Galodor, Achewon-
(as he's saying their names)
Yes. Yes. Several times, yes.
He looks like a girl! All of them
look like girls!
I can't do this, now all I can
think about is you getting railed
by some elf dude for hours on end.
Days. Railed for days. We
experience time differently.
(comforting him, sincere)
15 minutes is very good though.
I know. I've been cranking it
before we do it so I don't pre.
(rubbing his back)
If it makes you feel any better,
you're my first human.
I mean, I've been with half-elves,
which are basically just stronger,
better looking humans.
(rolling away, pissed)
Things are different now, OK!?
There are no more late nights at
the tavern, going home with the
first orc who buys me a meat pie.
Orcs, Elowyn? Orcs!?
Everyone goes through a bad boy
phase in their 1200s!
They're literally born of evil!
Actually, they're very selfless
(seeing his reaction)
She puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and launches into
another speech (slow zoom, music).
I have spent many of your lifetimes
searching for a worthy companion.
But my quest is over, Brian. My
journey ends with you.
She puts her hand on his cheek. They kiss. Brian pulls back.
I mean, it's not like you've ever
fucked a hobbit or anything, right?
Elowyn looks down.
Come on! What'd you fuck him
between first and second breakfast?
(batting her away)
Don't touch me!