By Emily Axford and Brian Murphy
INT. ELVEN TREE HOME ELOWYN, an elven princess, talks to SOMEONE O.S. The camera slowly zooms in and music builds. ELOWYN I would rather spend one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. Music cuts out. REVEAL BRIAN, a modern twenty-something wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt and stupid tie. BRIAN Love you too, babe. He pecks her on the cheek and tosses his messenger bag over his shoulder. The strap breaks immediately. BRIAN Crap. CUT TO: TITLECARD INT. BEDROOM Brian and Elowyn are in bed, kissing. ELOWYN Mmm, I think you're gonna like what I have planned for you. BRIAN (playful) Oh, yeah? And how would you know? ELOWYN Well, I do have 2000 years of experience. Beat. He stops her. BRIAN What? ELOWYN I'm 2700 years old. I mean, I'm not a slut. I waited until I was 700. BRIAN (horrified) How many guys have you been with? ELOWYN I don't know, Brian, a couple a year? BRIAN So four thousand! Four thousand guys, Elowyn! I've had sex with three people. Jenna Delveccio, Katie Wagner, and you. ELOWYN Is that normal for a human? BRIAN It's less than average, thanks. ELOWYN It's not my fault! I'm immortal. After a thousand years, you've pretty much fucked everyone. BRIAN Jesus! So you've fucked all your friends? Fenwen, Galodor, Achewon- ELOWYN (as he's saying their names) Yes. Yes. Several times, yes. BRIAN He looks like a girl! All of them look like girls! (getting up) I can't do this, now all I can think about is you getting railed by some elf dude for hours on end. ELOWYN Days. Railed for days. We experience time differently. (comforting him, sincere) 15 minutes is very good though. BRIAN (still grumpy) I know. I've been cranking it before we do it so I don't pre. ELOWYN (rubbing his back) If it makes you feel any better, you're my first human. BRIAN (coming around) Really? ELOWYN I mean, I've been with half-elves, which are basically just stronger, better looking humans. BRIAN (rolling away, pissed) Okay. ELOWYN Things are different now, OK!? There are no more late nights at the tavern, going home with the first orc who buys me a meat pie. BRIAN Orcs, Elowyn? Orcs!? ELOWYN Everyone goes through a bad boy phase in their 1200s! BRIAN They're literally born of evil! ELOWYN Actually, they're very selfless lovers. (seeing his reaction) Sorry- She puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and launches into another speech (slow zoom, music). ELOWYN I have spent many of your lifetimes searching for a worthy companion. But my quest is over, Brian. My journey ends with you. She puts her hand on his cheek. They kiss. Brian pulls back. BRIAN (good-natured) I mean, it's not like you've ever fucked a hobbit or anything, right? Elowyn looks down. BRIAN Come on! What'd you fuck him between first and second breakfast? (batting her away) Don't touch me! END.