1. No worrying about birth control

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What is there to control anyhow? You're a virgin, so all that worrying about condoms, birth control pills, the rhythm method, safer positions (gravity makes it so you can't get pregnant if the girl is on top, obviously), praying real hard, and other effective methods of birth control need not concern you. Honestly, these things can all be pricey and stressful, so it must be nice to not have to fret over such things.



2. Able to be sacrificed by all the coolest cults

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Think about any movie with a cool cult in it - they ALWAYS want VIRGIN sacrifices. Why? Because, uh, I guess whatever god they're praying to is super concerned about STDs or something? I'm not a god so it's hard to really understand what they're going for, but it IS pretty clear that they want virgins. So keep your v-card, and you may get lucky enough to be part of some cool cult ritual where you get burned alive to appease the devil (aka the most badass way to die).



3. Once you turn 40, you can finally watch a copy of "The 40 Year Old Virign" and correct the inaccuracies

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Yes, it is more of a long-term benefit, but if you manage to remain a virgin for 40 years, you can watch Steve Carrell in The 40 Year Old Virgin and be like "Hold on a minute, fella - I can tell you how it REALLY is." And then you cat (your cat is your only friend btw) can hiss at you and leave the room.



4. Instead of doing the joke in Austin Powers where he goes "Sex? Yes, please!" you can say "Sex? No. Absolutely not. Not ever."

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Think about it - instead of being one of those obnoxious people bragging about their sex drive when filling out health forms, you can be essentially the opposite. When it comes to questions around your gender, you can do the POLAR OPPOSITE of that one Austin Powers quote - and actually mean it. This might not seem like a big benefit, and that's because it isn't. Sorry, there just aren't many benefits of being a virgin, so I had to pad this out a little.



5. If you ever decide to sell your genitals to the highest bidder, you can label them as being "in mint condition" instead of "used"

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There are a few hard truths to our current world - rich people like to buy weird stuff (like Peter Thiel buying young people's blood), and the prospects for the middle and lower classes of this country are on the downturn. In short, there's a good chance you'll need to sell things to absurdly rich people in the near future just to make ends meet, and who knows? Maybe some weirdo billionaire will want to purchase your genitals - and if  so, they'll PROBABLY fetch a higher price if they've never been used.



6. If you ever travel to the Virgin Islands, you can whisper to someone on the plane "More like, the ME Islands"

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And, oh man, if you're flying on VIRGIN AIRLINES, you can be more "More like, ME Airlines" also.



7. You can rest easy knowing you are explicitly not "bad at sex" (like some sex-havers could be).

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Since you have never engaged in sex, you are incapable of being either bad or good at it - you are neutral at sex.



8. You can rest easy, knowing you are not bringing a child into this world - a child who will face an uncertain future, potentially doomed from the outset

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Having a child can be viewed, in a sense, as a very selfish act - after all, it requires quite a bit of hubris to think YOU are capable of raising a child, and that YOUR genes should be carried on to a new generation. Children don't ask to be born - we choose for them. We choose to create them, but we often refuse to take enough responsibility to create a world where they can flourish and thrive. We want our legacy to be carried on, but we don't want to make the sacrifices necessary to guarantee a bright future for the next generation.

In this day and age, children are facing a grim future - pollution continues at unsustainable rates, society hasn't made nearly enough advances in the area of clean energy, the wealth gap grows wider by the day, and overpopulation threatens to exacerbate all of this at an exponential rate. Adding ANOTHER child to this is guaranteeing these problems will continue, and handicapping an innocent child from the get-go - they will inherit a wasteland of a world. They will inherit an Earth scorched by climate change, rotted by pollution, and teeming with inequality. And they will wonder - why did the previous generations do this? Why did they treat the planet and our society with such disdain and lack of concern? Why did they choose to bring me into this world - one of misery and suffering?

But there is another option - as Rust Cohle said in the first season of True Detective:

I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction; one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.

Some would argue this is too cynical - that we would be giving up all hope for humanity and throwing away our ambitions for the future. But others would argue something else - that this is pragmatism. That not reproducing would be a wise, merciful thing - we would be freeing the planet from the chaos we wrought, we would be saving other species from our domination over their environments, and we would be sparing our never-conceived children from a future bereft of hope.

So chin up, virgin!